“EDUCATE,POLITICIZE, INFORM”

If you are interested in being part of speakeasy, dislike the use of sarcasm and satire as a form of political expression, disagree with any of our wacky political ideas, like something we wrote, don’t like something we wrote, or have any questions write us at onesickclub@yahoo.com. The MAIN point of what we do here, we hope, is to encourage an open dialogue and flow of ideas from all corners of the campus and get everybody talking what what makes them tick in a non-hostile environment where new and interesting THOUGHT is the focus of the educational process.

With that said, welcome to the SPEAKEASY website! The first website for, about, and because of the SPEAKEASY Magazine that is not in any way related to NAMBLA: The North American Man Boy Love Association. We broke from them this year, when we realized that none of us wanted to molest children. Seeing as that is the single and all-encompassing purpose of their organization we felt it inappropriate for us to be associated with them, having little or nothing to do with several key points in their agenda. With that firmly out of the way the SPEAKEASY of yesteryear is a thing of the past, or “yesteryear”. Once dedicated to the noble cause of being a place where students of “every” race creed and mode of transportation could get their literary and artistic works published, the SPEAKEASY emboldened its vision this year to be basically exactly that. Except now we’re also crazy and left wing. It could be said theoretically that we are dedicated to the overthrow of the American government and the replacement of that corrupt system with a complicated series of shoots and ladders that could provide the American populace with hours of safe family-friendly entertainment, and socialized water treatment facilities. But that then you would be a liar. And you know what Jesus does to liars, he makes them burn forever in a lake of fire, the ultimate joy buzzer joke in the extended hand of friendship that was Jesus’ proclamation of complete understanding and forgiveness. Yes, you should turn the other cheek, but me and my dad? We’re more into giving demons complicated machines to torture you on forever if you even think about masturbating.

U.S. military forces adopt a humorously parental “do as I say, not as I do” Approach to the Geneva Convention.

Next issue:
For those of you who submitted work to be published in our first issue thank you infinity divided by the square root of any work submitted that we thought was shitty. If you were not published I am very sorry and don't take it personally, especially not that part about being shitty. But, we are currently in the process of creating our second of what will be five issues for this school year.
The deadline to submit work to be published in the 2nd issue is Nov. 15th (but keep submitting anyway because we WILL publish you, seriously). WE WANT ART, POETRY, STORIES, CARTOONS, SCRIPTS, RANTS, JOURNALISM, PICTURES, YOUR OLDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES, PHILOSOPHICAL DISCOURSE, AND OF COURSE SLANDEROUS POLITICAL REMARKS AGAINST THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF ALL MANKIND ALEXANDRIA ROME THE BRITISH EMPIRE ISLAM GERMANY CANADA THE UNITED STATES.

Please indicate if you are Hispanic so we can label your work as being “From a Latin American Perspective”. African American works will all officially be labeled “Rap singles”. Any Arab American work will be clearly label with an Orange “Terror Alert Level”. And Asian work will be considered automatically 10% more intelligently written and fastidiously researched than any Caucasian work we may receive.
(Some of that may be untrue, some being “all” or “the entirety of it”)

Be advised that we have a new, or what I like to call “old” way to submit your work. It’s neither fun nor easy. But you have to do it, or we will tell NAMBLA where your kids live. Here's how it works:

1) Read the guidelines
2) Click 'Submit' from the top menu
3) Fill out your name and email, then the title of your piece, and copy-paste your content.
4) Click 'Submit!'
4) Check your email. We'll have sent you a message with an 'activate' button. You should click that. It prevents terrorists from breaking into our patriotic publication. And by terrorists I mean John Ashcroft. It is also the only way people will see your writing.
6) Remember, if a drunk frat guy writes a racial epiphet in a bathroom, it means that you should get all your friends together and protest against the rampant racism that has spread across your campus like a plague and made it impossible for you to dip some toilet paper in water and erase his dumbass remark.

This method allows us to make issues faster and process the widening river of entries that have broken the dam of expressive oppression on campus. Also, metaphors are for gays.

Otherwise thank you for being there when we needed you most,

Co-Co-Co-Presidents of:
The Speakeasy